Ghirahim's Sex Ed: For the Marginally Experienced
by Laureen Lycan
Summary: Skyloft instructors have noticed an abundance of smutty fiction circulating among the students, and the inaccurate, though scintillating, tales have drawn concern. Solution? Recruit Nintendo's most sensual villain to rectify the misinformation: Ghirahim!
1. Chapter 1

Ghirahim's Sex Education: For the Marginally Experienced

_A/N: This was originally a joke in a PM conversation I was having with an author on this site, but I kind of went overboard... And THIS happened. Not sure I'll continue this. -**hint hint-** I'll see how much interest people seem to exhibit...-**BLATANT REVIEW REQUESTING-**_

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The classroom full of teenagers was excruciatingly quiet, an aberration from the usual settings which featured the students' lessons. The upperclassmen were now long past the nervous anticipation over the professors' use of the Socratic Method, and instructors' entrances usually required some halting of the rather excited chattering among the students.

This time, however, there was a volatile silence, occasionally interrupted by the sound of students' uncomfortable shifting in their seats, and the anxious tapping of pencils against notebooks.

The class was a pilot, an experimental syllabus that was being considered for permanent inclusion in the Skyloft Academy's curriculum. No one had known in advance what the material of the class would cover, and truthfully, the only rumors that had been circulated seemed ludicrous, laughable in their unlikely foundations.

To everyone's surprise, however, the mystery class had been made mandatory for all middle and upperclassmen. With some confusion, and rather a copious amount of hushed gossip, the students had registered for the allotted timeslots.

It was only after they picked up their required materials that morning that they realized the paralyzing authenticity behind the whispers.

In the end, there was only one question the students really had: Which of their rather Victorian and prudish instructors would be teaching the class on ...slightly more advanced...sex education?

The discommodious silence of the room was promptly shattered; with a jarring slam that made everyone jump in their seats, the classroom door burst open with theatrical flair.

"Good morning, skychildren!" rang a delighted voice.

Ghirahim made his entrance, sauntering swiftly into the classroom, a graceful, flamboyant blur of svelte limbs and white diamonds. He tossed a crimson cloak onto the desk and adjusted his metallic, non-prescription boxframes as he extended a pale hand in greeting.

The students stared.

The Demon Lord offered a dashing smile at the class, and snapped his fingers, summoning a lecture pointer made of dark energy. With a sharp swipe, he rapped the pointer across the blackboard, casting a flowing line of text across the black mineral which read, "Sex Education: For the Marginally Experienced" in an elegant script.

"Welcome to Sex Ed: 201" the demon began in very professional, albeit slightly gleeful tone, raising a pointed hand, as if for emphasis. "I advise all of you to pay rapt attention... In light of all the..." the pale male figure frowned momentarily, readjusting his exclusively aesthetic frames. "...Misleading -though scintillating- tales that have circulated, I have accepted the duty of educating you all on the rewarding act that is..." the Demon Lord allowed a sly smile to spread across his features, spreading his arms out in a grand flourish. "...sex."

In the split-second that followed, the young knights-in-training suddenly seemed to re-evaluate this whole "graduating" thing. Immediately, the screeching of chairs filled the room as students pushed back from their desks, and began looking toward the exit with no small amount of panic.

One of the braver students suddenly shut his notebook as if to leave.

Frowning, Ghirahim raised an eyebrow, a foreboding note of threat in his voice. "Oh, I don't think so..."

Snapping his fingers, the students stared in horror as bars slammed down across the door, effectively locking them inside the room with the flamboyant instructor.

As if the interruption had never occurred, Ghirahim shot them an enthusiastic smile, and snapped his fingers again, the writing on the board disappearing to yield a new line:

"Rule 1: Good sex is wet sex"

"Now, then... Lesson 1: Lubrication and anal sex."

The students naively began to pray for mercy.


	2. T&A or rather, just TA

Chapter 2

_Three days earlier..._

"What do you MEAN I need three more credits to graduate?"

Link stared up at the two instructors, gloved hands trembling with shock and disbelief at the offending note on his transcript. He immediately felt a stab of guilt at the small outburst, so uncharacteristic of the normally easygoing and patient hero.

Gaepora and Owlan looked rather uncomfortable at his question – and truthfully, something about their nervous glances at one another led Link's instincts toward suspicion.

The Hero of Destiny crossed his arms in nowq-uiet indignation, unable to believe his Knighthood was being so unjustly withheld for something so asinine as..._lack of sufficient credits_.

After calming himself, he tried again, his naturally pacifying personality traits injecting cool reason into his argument. "I mean...I only took time off to...you know... s_ave Hylia's Realm_... And you're telling me I need to take one more class for completion?" Link bit his lip, eyebrows drawn together. " ...Can't I get academic credit for that or something?"

Gaepora and Instructor Owlan studied the young hero gravely over their Skyloft Knight Academy handbooks.

"You don't have to _take_ the class, per se," Gaepora began, the fatherly figure allowing his voice to betray some amount of sympathy over the unfortunate situation. "You can serve as a teaching assistant!" he added, rather a bit too forced in cheer, Link thought.

His slimmer companion nodded intently.

"Link," the severe white-haired instructor began. "While everyone on the island is extraordinarily grateful for your and Zelda's astounding heroics," he paused here, bowing respectfully, "...I'm afraid rules are rules. The fact is, students require 70 credit hours to graduate, and your time away from the academy left you three short."

Link inhaled deeply, counting slowly to ten and silently thanking Hylia that Patience was not a virtue required to attain the Triforce.

"Okay..." Link began, blue eyes holding quiet, restrained storms of indignation. "But...why does it have to be..." the hero gritted his teeth, unable to say the demon's name. "_His_ class? And if -" he tried again and failed – "_He_... is teaching, why does he need me?"

Owlan cleared his throat uncomfortably, and glanced at Gaepora.

The larger figure held his hands out plaintively.

"Link..." he began. "No one else here was really..._qualified_...you could say, to teach this subject matter, and well..." he looked around awkwardly. "The demon lord refused to do the class without an assistant..."

Link blinked curiously, wondering what kind of subject it was the white-clad spirit was teaching... But he just continued staring in demanding silence, rendering the blaring quiet awkward enough to require further explanation to fill the uncomfortable void.

Owlan coughed. "The thing is...Ghirahim sort of...conditioned his acceptance on you occasionally popping in to co-teach."

_Oh, no no no no..._ The room suddenly seem to shrink three sizes, and Link suddenly felt quite ill.

"Link." Owlan gave him a serious look, interrupting the panicked stream of consciousness rampaging through Link's mind. "No one else in Skyloft is willing to take on the incredibly...sensitive and complex subject." The wise instructor paused, intuitively drawing on Link's heroic traits. "We need your help with this."

The young knight's azure gaze snapped up at this last utterance. The plea hit its mark, instantly appealing to his more heroic character traits. He wasn't Hylia's Chosen Hero for nothing, anyway, and this tactic naturally began to pacify the young man. Rather against his better judgment, Link found himself biting his lip and quieting his visceral panic enough to entertain consideration of these terms.

He'd only be assisting in teaching... It wouldn't be like he'd actually have to do homework or anything... Even if Ghirahim was the instructor, that was surely better than having to study for another set of exams, wasn't it? And besides, Link reasoned with finality. They _did_ need his help.

"Okay..." Link said slowly, his acquiescence immediately perking up Owlan and Gaepora.

The young man looked up at his instructors. "So...I guess he's teaching magical defense or something...?" he asked, searching his instructors with naive blue eyes. "You said no one else could teach this subject?"

"Err..." rather ruffled, Gaepora looked helplessly at his fellow instructor. "Well..." Gaepora began. "Not exactly..."

Clearing his throat, Owlan handed him a copy of the demon lord's class schedule.

Eyes narrowed in confusion, Link took the paper and raked the top for the class title.

...Downstairs, a busy and unsuspecting Henya was taking off the last pot of soup for the students' dinner. Smiling at getting the meal done rather early, the kind, but stern old woman carefully balanced the pot to take it over to the counter.

The enraged cry startled Henya in its ferocious torrent through every cubic foot of the Academy - "WHAT!" - she leaped half a foot in air, sending soup flying to every corner of the kitchen, pot ricocheting off the floor with a resounding, hammering clang of finality.

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As part of the young hero's new job as..._his_...teaching assistant, the Skyloft instructors had given Link a small office space within the administrative halls of the Academy. Link had visited the night before the first10:00 AM class, more out of curiosity than necessity, really, even though Horwell had explained that the textbook and class materials were already within his new work space.

Link walked in and took inventory the rather spartan conditions: A lamp, a small but well-maintained desk with chair, and a bookshelf, containing a sealed box and (Link read with a shudder) a textbook entitled: _ Advanced Sexuality: The Technical, Ethical, and Incredible! _

Turning away from the bookshelf to ruminate on the unhappy calamity that was his situation, Link's gaze caught on a piece of elaborate pale pink stationary on his desk, the script written in an elegant calligraphy. Staring at the leaf with a foreboding sense of suspicion, the hero approached the pink paper cautiously, gently picking it up and reading it at a careful arm's length.

_Dear Skychild:_

_I cannot begin to express the pleasure I experienced upon hearing you would be laboring beneath me in this exciting new position! The news just filled my heart with rainbows! I very much look forward to working closely with you as we strive to stimulate our eager young minds and push ourselves to the very zenith of intellectual ecstasy – together!_

_We simply must set up a private meeting to study the exquisite body of material I plan to cover, and discuss any possible experimentations we would like to engage in. I'll see you promptly Monday morning at 10:00 AM! Don't you dare keep me waiting._

_Cheers and Regards!_

_Ghirahim_

_P.S. I do hope that all of that"Resurrection and Apocalypse" nonsense is now water under the bridge. _

The hero buried his face in his hands and concentrated on NOT hyperventilating.

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_A/N: __Okay, so this is more of a set up chapter than anything else. The real interaction will be coming in the next chapter! Truthfully, I wanted them to interact directly here, but unfortunately, the next few days are going to be useless for writing fics, and I had this ready to go._

___Oh my god, guys, thank you SO much for your reviews! I did notice some of you lovely folks checked out my other stories after reviewing this one. *sends love and adoration* You guys are great, and I hope I don't disappoint next chapter. _


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